


Am I Not Alive Here

by Kaisbeast



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: M/M, Ragnar and I will never get over what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 01:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3749668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaisbeast/pseuds/Kaisbeast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because Athelstan is the only one that can make Ragnar feel alive again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I Not Alive Here

**Author's Note:**

> So, I posted this on tumblr a few days ago and decided to share it here as well. I created an account here because I have other Athelnar headcanons and ideas in my head so I'll probably write more often about them (my way of dealing with the feels)

“I wish you were here… Paris is everything you told me it would be.” 

-

He felt life leaving him with each breath; he felt the evening breeze of Paris in his face as he closed his eyes, imagining how it would feel to have Athelstan’s head resting agaisnt his chest as they used to do ever so often in their secret meeting spot by the waterfall back in Kattegat. If he died right there and then, holding Athelstan’s cross so tight it almost hurt, would he be able to meet his soulmate again?

“Ragnar.” He heard his voice, that beautiful voice he knew so well. “Ragnar, open your eyes.” 

“Athelstan…?” Was he dreaming? Was he dead? Or was Athelstan actually there? 

“Yes, I’m here for you, my friend.”

“Am I dead?” 

“Not really.” He heard Athelstan laugh and the sound of that happy voice almost made him cry like a little child who just found their way back to their mother after getting lost. “Open your eyes.”

He opened his eyes and saw his best friend, his lover, sitting next to him, his face as beautiful as he remembered and those perfect lips smiling at him. For the first time in weeks he felt pure happiness, like he did before… before Floki… before.

“You are here.” He smiled back “ Athelstan, you’re here.” 

“I told you, I’m here for you.” 

Athelstan’s expression was so peaceful, and it was amazing how everything about him made Ragnar feel so much better, so loved, so protected. He wanted to stay like that forever. Nothing mattered more than that, he didn’t care anymore, as long as he could have that one person sitting next to him for the rest of his life.

“Am I about to die then? Oh, have you come to take me with you?!” 

“Yes, you are close to death. But that’s only because you want to. Ragnar, you have to listen to me. You cannot die yet, this isn’t the right time for you.” 

“But you are here and… And if I die that means I will finally be able to follow you.” 

He looked straight into Athelstan’s wide blue eyes as if they held all the answers he needed, finding, however, nothing but sadness and concern. It hurt to have Athelstan looking at him like that and suddenly he started wondering if his friend wouldn’t prefer to have that Judith girl following him instead.

“I do not wish you to follow me just yet, for there is plenty left to do here.” He answered right back, as if he could read Ragnar’s thoughts. “Did you lose your will, Ragnar? Do you not wish to conquer the city we talked so much about?” 

Ragnar gave him a bittersweet smile “I wished and dreamed about conquering this city with you, but that is impossible now, huh…”

“I told you, did I not? What matters to me is where you’re going. We planned this raid together and I promised I would be by your side until the end. I wasn’t lying, my friend. I’m right here with you.” Athelstan came closer and Ragnar was surprised to find out he could actually touch him. His dirty fingers reached Athelstan’s face as he gently caressed his cheeks, so afraid that his lover would disappear at any time. He was ready to welcome death with open arms right then, as long as he could have that man within his reach. “And I promise you I will be there when you take that city” Athelstan kissed his fingers with a soft expression in his face. “We will take Paris together.” 

“But you are dead.” Ragnar could feel a single tear running down his face. Oh, if only his enemies could see him like that…

“Am I not alive here?” Athelstan touched the cross that once belonged to him. “And here?” his hand moved slowly to Ragnar’s chest, just where Ragnar’s heart was so painfully beating. He closed his eyes, feeling nothing but Athelstan’s hand on his chest. “Ragnar, if you lose your will to live you will eventually lose me as well. Don’t try to follow me at the wrong time, please. Keep me close to you in your heart, but do not give up now, we’ve come so far, my friend. And this is not the end of the road for you.”

“Always so good with words…” Ragnar joked and Athelstan smiled at him. 

He felt soft lips gently pressed agaisnt his for a few seconds and small hands caressing the back of his neck. When their lips parted Athelstan joined their foreheads, keeping their eyes open despite the close distance.

“You know…"   
Athelstan closed his eyes and opened his mouth but hesitaded for a second, his cheeks sharing an adorable shade of red. "I love you too, Ragnar… Always have and always will.” It was Ragnar’s turn to stare at him with wide eyes as if he couldn’t believe what he just heard. “But you have to open your eyes now before it’s too late.” 

And then Athelstan let go of his touch and stepped away, making Ragnar feel incredibly cold. He wasn’t ready to leave his lover yet, he did not want to.

“Athelstan please… Don’t abandon me!” He begged. 

“Open your eyes, Ragnar.” He saw Athelstan walking away and he felt that he wasn’t able to do anything to reach him. 

"But I don't want you to go away..." 

"I do not belong here anymore. I'm here for you but I cannot stay." 

Ragnar whimpered, he wanted to see Athelstan again, no matter how. He wanted to be able to keep sharing stories and feelings, touches and loving words. He had to know... He had to know that he would be able to see him in the future. 

“Will you be here when my time comes? When I die... Will you take me away with you?” 

“If that is what you wish.” He could see Athelstan smiling in the distance and suddenly he wasn’t scared of losing the love of his life anymore. He knew his time in Midgard was running short, but there was nothing that hurt him more than the idea of not meeting the love of his life once his life was over. Now, however, he felt hope welcoming him back in a way that almost made him want to live longer. 

“It is. You are my John.” 

They were going to meet again. 

“Remember to keep me in your heart.” He could barely hear Athelstan’s voice now and yet he never felt this happy before. “Now open your eyes for me, please.” 

And he did.

It felt like not even a second had passed since he closed his eyes in the first place. Athelstan wasn’t there anymore, but he felt warm. He looked at the stars and touched his heart, feeling incredibly alive. He smiled widely at the night sky, thinking about nothing but the love of his life.

They definitely were going to meet again. 

-

“And I am bound and determined to conquer it.”


End file.
